Enjoy The Journey!

The dictionary defines "journey" as "a traveling from one place to another; a passage from one stage to another." Life assures us that our journey will sometimes be visited by events that prove to be challenging to say the least. Job of the Old Testament states, "Man born of a woman is but a few days and full of trouble" (Job 14:1). As we journey through life we all face those tough places; stops along the way that cause us to wonder if we are going to make it. Despite our knowing that God says it's all working out for our good, we still wonder. We must press on, we can make it. We can live again.

Naomi Carroll said it well in a song entitled "Enjoy the Journey" --
Be faithful and strong His work in you has begun
Don’t ever give up just hold on to what He has done.
So don’t waste time with your tears and lies by your fears you can go on.
Enjoy the journey rest in God’s love
Give Him glory, be strong and stand up
For He has given life worth living,
so until eternity, enjoy the journey.

My work and ministry with the local hospice has given tremendous opportunity to share in the challenges of many who face difficulty in their journey. It is inspiring. I have opportunity each day to see them move from one stage to another in their personal journey to wholeness. I personally invite you to be a part of our monthly support group, Journeys, that meets on the first Tuesday of each month in Room 100 at 10:00 AM. Come and bring a friend! Enjoy the journey.

Check out Naomi's beautiful song...

Grief Makes Me Sick?

Have you ever wondered what kind of effect emotional pain or grief can have on your life? Do you feel that there are some physical outcomes that can be manifested in your life as a result of the challenges associated with the loss of a loved one?

Often, people in grief can become sick physically and at times even get "stuck in grief" which doesn't allow for the person to grow and move forward. Either of the two is dangerous.

I recently read that Dr. Harold Bloomfield says, "Unresolved emotional pain wreaks havoc on your immune system, cardiac function, hormone levels, and other physical functions. We must make peace with our past because our life may literally depend on it."

As you are aware memories are priceless and we so enjoy retelling of the past and reliving some of the good times with our loved ones, but we cannot dwell on the past. We cannot change the past or live in the past.

There are many things that we would like to change if given the chance. But most of the time we don't get the chance, therefore, dwelling on it would be a waste to time. Consider these tips:

1) We need to start looking at it differently. Don't look at what you've lost; rather look at what you've gained. Ask, "What have I learned from this? How did it make me stronger? What is really important?"

2) Know the difference between guilt and shame. Guilt is feeling bad about what you've done. It's healthy. Shame is feeling bad about who you are. It's poison and debilitating. Each one of us have things we'd like to change about ourselves, but God created us and He said, "It was very good" (Gen. 1:31). So start seeing yourself as God sees you.

3) Stop punishing yourself with the "what if's". Forgive yourself, God has (Ephesians 1:6).

4) Move from pain to gain. Healing takes time, so expect some anger, fear, and sadness. Don't disown them, they are part of the process. Don't adopt them either, just know when it's time to move on.

God has so much in store for you that you and I cannot even imagine, but what God has is much better than anything we could imagine for ourselves. "They shall obtain joy and gladness, sorrow and sighing shall flee away" (Isaiah 41:11 NKJV).

Grief is a normal part of life. Just remember that you and I must grieve properly so that we will not get stuck in the process and experience added complications such as physical difficulties or illness.

"Out of the mouth of babes..."

Today, I finally got a chance to spend some time with my God-daughter. She is in the second grade and is the smartest second grader I’ve ever talked with. Her vocabulary is well-rounded and you can tell the adults in her life don’t “play it down” one bit. She loves to read and does a great job reading aloud from chapter books already. She loves her teacher and talks about her class activities with excitement and vigor. She loves her family and takes pride in being the sister.

We were eating pizza, one of her favorites, when my husband took a picture of us ordering and….Imani can order for herself. “Pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust” she said. I looked at photo of us on his phone and stated, “I look old today!” Imani looked into my face ,but didn’t say anything.

Then after eating we stopped by a Super Walmart to shop a little; any second grader can use a few rings to accessorize her wardrobe. My husband printed out two of the photos, one for us at our home, and one for Imani at her home. I again said, “Umph, I look old today!”

While washing our hands in the bathroom, I glanced in the mirror (and must have looked old) and ran my fingers through my hair, pressed my lips together to smooth out the lipstick lined in my lips, and lifted my eyebrows attempting to lift the lines burrowed in my forehead. I heard Imani say innocently, “You need a make-over.”

Well, yes I do! Out of the mouth of babes! Sometimes it takes someone’s innocent statement to stir us to change. I think I do. I haven’t had a manicure or pedicure in months. My hair seems to be lifeless and I need to invest in a different shampoo and conditioner. My face badly needs a deep facial cleansing and my eyebrows a shaping. My coat was bought probably ten years ago and although not really out of style, not in either.

And as Imani states, “maybe you should use some eye shadow and buy a pair of gold high heels…they will help to make you look younger!” Oh, the smile and heartfelt concern on the face of my youngest family member spoke volumes. She didn’t accuse me of not trying, or shame me for letting myself go, or even act like she hadn’t noticed that I was “looking old”, she just offered me good honest suggestions on making myself look younger.

Well, it’s in my court then; I plan on taking action. I may just go with a pair of cute moderate heels and a little tint on the eyelids…. but tips I plan on using. Besides that, I will attempt to plan time for myself in improving the things I saw and verbalized. I find often that until we acknowledge our issues, we can’t get help. After acknowledging our needs or conditions, we can act. So therefore, we can either find resources or hear the ones around us. I find with people experiencing grief that they acknowledge their issues, verbalizing their loss and feelings, and identify the needs to focus on. It only takes an understanding person to listen and offer some ideas, support, or suggestions. Not allowing excuses or reasoning, not blaming or causing guilt, but being honest and upfront in offering their best!

So if you find yourself in that position; listen to your comments about yourself. “How are you doing?” so many ask. Be honest and listen! Find sources of help or just listen to yourself. Lonely? Get involved with a support group, church organization, or volunteer helping others. Tired? Make sure your routine is healthy. Eat healthy, get proper rest, and exercise. Depressed? See a doctor, try journaling, acknowledge positive things in life. Angry? Forgive your loved one for leaving you. Out of the mouth of babes!

The Traveling Pig

Want to run away? Wanna’ escape and just forget about all your worries? Wanna’ leave your troubles behind? Well, who doesn’t and why not?
Today I took a trip to days gone by and visited the small town of Edenton where historic homes are adorned with fresh cut holly, fir, spruce, and Christmas bows. I ran away to a place where fireplaces show the use for cooking and heating. Where outback of the home was the barn, the garden area, the flowers used in home remedies, and to make the room cheerful and scented. Sound good to you?
Today I took a day off work to travel with friends. We made our way into Edenton and found a spot that served us scrumptious food with hospitality and kindness. Offering a place to rest and acquaint with others traveling along with us. We gathered around tables with food prepared for us and as we rested, we shared, ate, and were restored.
It was a great day to sit and relax with others who know of some of the feelings we experience. We shared of our worries and fears, of our losses and struggles, and of our hopes and dreams. We made new acquaintances and found that our dreams were in sight! We roamed through the rooms admiring the feel of each; blue airy and relaxing, yellow with brightness and beauty, dark woods giving warmth and strength, and sunlight spilling into windows overlooking grounds of green grass and small town streets.
Upon our arrival we walked through the foyer into the community room where there standing to one side was a statue made from papier-mâché’ forms. We were all intrigued with this statue and the guest told us of “the traveling pig” story. The traveling pig had been with the owner upon his adventures from one location to another offering presence to each business or home he entered. We laughed at the idea of moving this large and apparently heavy pig to each location, finding the perfect spot to sit his walking stick and a place to rest his hand in which he carried a bottle. “What a great idea,” I thought, “to take that special find all along the way.”
Upon our trip home, tired from walking, talking, and looking I reminisced of the conversation that took place realizing just how healing it had been for us as we communicated with one another. Allowing ourselves to “run away” and be transformed from what had become ordinary to something more; exactly what we were looking for and didn’t know how to get it or what to ask for. We had been restored. Yes, restored in body, in mind, in spirit, and in hope. Often while going through grief we loose focus of who we are, where we are going, and what we are to do. Focus can easily become the grief itself if we aren’t careful and we will become overwhelmed, like a traveler without a plan. I smiled as I thought of “the traveling pig” and realized that’s what we all are -- travelers. We are tired and needing a place of restoration. Whether we walk with a stick, a limp, or a cane, we walk and with one step forward move from one place to another. Whether we hold a bottle, a letter, a photo, or an angry spirit, we finally allow our hand to rest and drop that coping mechanism to allow full healing so with hands empty we are ready to grasp the new adventures.
So, where was I you may be wondering? The Pack House Bed and Breakfast. The next time you’re in Edenton, N.C. stop in, take a seat, and look for the “traveling pig”. By all means relax and restore. Tell them Joy told you about it. He may even let you roam through his rooms to find the one that speaks to you.

Thanksliving for Thanksgiving!

Now is the time in which we begin to organize our wallets and schedule events in our calendars for the busy “holiday season”. Yes, it starts this month with Thanksgiving and all the preparations for the wonderful meal that brings family and friends together. It’s a time in which we are to give gratitude for the things we have received. As you well know that Christmas is right on the heels of Thanksgiving and if we aren’t careful, the retail market will let us forget being thankful as they crowd the aisles with Christmas decorations and gift giving ideas. Many have already begun shopping and making their plans so they won’t feel the crunch and stress in December.

You may be saying,” I don’t feel like being thankful nor do I even want to see a Christmas tree.” That is often the case while you are experiencing grief and loss. You realize that the void of that loved one robs you of fully feeling the excitement as you once did. I encourage you to make the choice of allowing this season to remember wonderful memories of your loved one and to make new memories with those you still have with you and of giving thanks for the time you spent or are spending with them. Choose to look at the positive things rather than the negative things.

Did you know that the average life expectancy was 20-35 years in most of the world’s history? And much of that was spent in disease, poverty, and misery?

Pull out the recipes and make that favorite dish or ask a daughter or friend to assist you with this task while you share the memories and times past. It’s okay to talk about your loved one and to laugh at the crazy events of past and present as family joins together to celebrate thanks.

Do we truly know how to show gratitude and do we truly express our gratitude, as we should? Our lives have been so busy and so filled with emotion, adjustments, and duties. This season is a chance to determine that we will be more active in expressing our thanks and gratitude to those around us. First we can begin by thanking God. “Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows” (James 1:17). Take time to sit quietly with God each day sharing thanks and accepting His comfort. Set a time each day and make it a part of your routine.


Secondly, thank those around you. Thank those who have stood by your side, invited you to enter in, pushed you to continue. It could be gentle thanks spoken or a quick card written to express how you feel. Thank them for the love they have displayed to you. Don’t forget the agencies, or businesses that have also been a blessing to you. Thanks for simply “being there”. When is the last time someone thanked you? Thought so, we just don’t say it enough!

Thirdly, Acknowledge thanks! Acknowledge blessings! Acknowledge gifts! Allow yourself to accept those positive things directed to you. Allow yourself to be the one someone else is giving thanks for. Be!

I look forward to seeing you at our next Journey’s meeting. We will continue our talk on gratitude and we will take a relaxing ride through Bertie County narrated by Cecil Lowe, a lifetime resident. We will lunch at the historical Seagull Café. If you’ve never eaten there it is a treat of our area. The pies are homemade by Delores Forehand. Those pies are delightful. Chocolate or lemon meringue that stands tall and the flavors are perfect. You will want to bring a whole pie back to your family or order one for your Thanksgiving meal (this is smart and stress free)!

Looking forward to time with you and yes, I’m thankful for You!

Joy Phillips, Bereavement Counselor


NOTE: Journeys will meet at Carpenter’s Shop Church in Ahoskie at 10:00 AM on Tuesday, November 3rd, 2009. We will depart for the Seagull Café’ at 10:15 AM.
Please call to get your name on the list.

"Feelin' blue....feelin' down?"

Ever feel “blue”? Ever have some “down days”? Depression is a word we just don’t like to use, but let’s face it, we all have had some times in our lives where we can probably say, “I am depressed!” Interestingly enough, we have a choice to just “fall” and let depression take us down or to “stand” and make every effort to handle depression. And actually these simple, but very noteworthy tips will also keep us healthy in many areas of our lives: physical wellness, spiritual wellness, active memory wellness, and emotional wellness. Here are a few tips to help when handling depression:
Keep a routine. That’s right. Keeping your body on a schedule helps in more than just one way. A set bedtime and wake up time helps to keep your body clock acclimated to better functioning. If you get up late in the morning, you eat later causing blood sugar imbalance. If you take your medications later this causes a deviation from the medication staying in your system effectively. So sit down and jot down your schedule. Tweak it to make sure you are keeping a healthy routine for the wellness of maintaining wholeness.
Exercise. Get outside and breathe in some healthy air, and make sure you allow the sunlight to hit you. In fact, studies show that sunlight stirs the metabolism and increases the “happy endorphins”. It may be walking 15-30 minutes each day or twice a day. Just to get the blood pumping and the body moving. The endorphins help to lighten our mood! So you’re not one who would like getting outside? A treadmill will work, but you won’t get the effects of the sun. Take an aerobics class or walk with friends, which will give some support and extra connections with others.
Socialize. Find ways of meeting others. Get involved in something that will get you connecting with others. Team up with others for a cause, like the Relay For Life Team, which help provide cancer funds for families and research, or attend church functions/groups that will be of interest to you. Lots of times we forget that there are others like us, near our age, same gender, or who share interests, etc., which will bring friendships and conversation. Remember, positive people hang around positive people. (You know what that means about negative people don’t you?)
Take a class. Learn something new. Get your mind off yourself and study! Stretching the mind is an awesome way to stay alert and to keep your mind off of the circumstances that often cause the depression. Sign up for a class at the Senior Center, Community College, Local Church, Art Council, etc. If no time for a class, read a book, do word puzzles, play chess, learn a skill, etc.
Eat healthy. You have always heard, “you are what you eat”. So eat healthy. Studies have shown that what we eat affects the body’s ability to fight off infections as well as maintaining healthy levels of blood sugars, cholesterol, blood pressure, etc. As mentioned above, attempt to keep regular eating times/schedules.
Think positive. Choose to think of the glass half full rather than half empty. Find the good in situations; the negative usually pops us up beside the head, so look for the positive. Life is 10% of what happens to us and 90% of how we respond.
Enjoy the simple things. Walk through leaves and hear the rustle. Lie down and make snow angels. Allow yourself to be a kid again! Smell the roses, pick the wildflowers and place them in vases on your desk or kitchen table. Have a picnic; watch the sunset over the river.

There are many ways that we can actively choose to battle depression. But the choice is ours. No one can do it for us. I feel we don’t fully understand how often we make choices. And those choices make a difference in how we perceive ourselves. We are in control!

October 2009 - Harvest Time Memories!

It is always a pleasure to be able to view the sights, feel the cooler temperatures, and smell the scents of approaching fall. Acknowledging the change in the season brings back to my memory of a loved time of year in our home; the harvest season. Coming from a farm family, I remember the back lights still on when already in bed, knowing that Daddy would be pulling in with loads of freshly picked corn or peanuts. I can still remember the sounds of the grain bins and augers twirling to carry the dumped truckloads of either corn, peanuts, or soybeans to be stored until time to use for farm animals or to be sold at the local farm supply station.
Just this week I was stirred as I viewed a field cleaned of the rows of corn that had once been standing. The golden tan stalks cut down and left for hunters to track across in pursuit of that buck they missed last year. You know, the one with all the racks! The once filled area in which was green and blowing in the hot breeze of summer now appears bleak with a waiting season before new planting time. It’s like that often through the grief process. Once you get used to the season, it changes bringing with it different adjustments, feelings, and goals. Without these seasons, would we grow? Would we appreciate what once was?
Farmers find success through numbers of bushels, prices at sale, and the reality that another planting is just around the corner: a chance for a better crop. But grief is somewhat different. With the changes of routine, acknowledgement of loss, and mixed feelings and emotions, often, success is hard to see; much like the farmer who kept his land and family, but will pay back the loans for many years to come. While acknowledging the hardship of seeing someone slip from you, it’s hard to see promise of “a new crop” or a renewed sense of oneself. What exactly does a new season bring for the person in grief?
It brings the choice of whether to move forward, stay where you are, or regress. It brings the choice of whether to be positive or negative. It brings the choice of sharing, carrying alone, or hiding from yourself and others. It brings a choice of being rather than having of living on with a renewed meaning of what it is to love and be loved.
If I were to farm again, I’d have different things, like large blocks of land with those purple blooming sage plants that someone makes perfume from. I’d have rows upon rows of broccoli to cut, box, and load into the backs of eighteen-wheelers. I’d have those cute little cucumbers that make the best pickles and I’d take photos of the pickers throwing them into the hoppers and photos of them being transferred to trucks for delivery. I’d have acres of red hot peppers and wonder if they are used for crushed or ground seasoning and whether any of them graded high enough to be jarred in vinegar for all those collards I ship to New York so they too, can have some “ southern style delicacies”.

Grief stages? I’d be less selfish and show honor through living. I’d have better understanding of why my pain is so real. I’d choose to love even more than before because I really know that this void is worth experiencing. I’d choose to smile more because of the investment made and the interest gained to invest in others. I’d wear the worn out robe every day and wash it only if necessary and I’d learn to tell better stories and learn to capture more meaning from what was being said. I’d sit quietly listening to my heart rather than my fears.
I may never live on a farm again, but I’m sure I will continue to grieve. People may not recognize it as grief, but I will feel the loss, the void, and acknowledge the changes throughout time. I may not ever plant another crop in the ground, but I choose to plant daily acts of kindness shown to me by those gone on. I’ll remember that by living with my grief I will become whole and better because I have been loved, and have loved. I will move past “me” and on to “us”. I will, because I have, and I am. Grief doesn’t have to immobilize us from living. Yes, it changes us, for better or for worse? The choices are yours.
During the grief process you may become depressed. That is often a place that is hard to work through alone yet it’s hard to ask for help. This month we will have guest speaker, Rev. Robert Richardson, share with us knowledge about depression and ways we can handle those times when they come. This session will be very informative and will be helpful with your own process as well as with others. Feel free to bring friends or family and learn more about depression. You will be surprised at the things you will learn. I’ll see you there. “Fall” into a season ready to face a subject numerous people struggle with.
Hope to see you on Tuesday, October 6th at 10am at the Carpenter’s Shop Church resource room.

Looking forward to hearing about your season!